Last week I talked about leadership anger—how destructive it can be to individuals and organizations—and I promised a “remedy” for it in this post. Now, this is not a “one size fits all” remedy because anger can be more complicated than that. But I know from personal experience that in many cases it works, so I offer it to you and hope you will take it seriously.
Getting rid of anger is sometimes like packing for a trip: “What do I take? What do I leave behind? How many bags can I carry?”
If you have anger that is close to the surface and easily erupts at home, at work, wherever and whenever, it could mean you are carrying the baggage of unforgiveness with you. You carry it to the office; you carry it home; you carry it to church or the little league field. It is always close at hand. Someone hurt you—badly—and you haven’t been able to let it go, forgive them, so you can move on without dragging that heavy, exhausting bag around. So it doesn’t take much for the bag to open and spew out on others, even people you love.
There are a lot of reasons to get rid of this heavy bag. If you are a Christian, it is a spiritual imperative:
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32 NASB
See your pastor if you are dragging unforgiveness around. If he or she can’t help, get a new pastor. Apart from the spiritual dimension, there are still many great and practical reasons to forgive those who have hurt you.
Stanford University has studied the impact of forgiveness on your health—both physical and emotional. According to Dr. Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, forgiveness “boosts the immune system, lowers high blood pressure, reduces anxiety and depression, and improves sleep patterns” (from Brain Power by Gelb and Howell).
In their book, HeartMath Solution, Doc Children and Howard Martin explain, “Forgiving releases you from the punishment of a self-made prison in which you’re both the inmate and the jailer” (cited in Brain Power by Gelb and Howell).
Few people had less reason to forgive than Nelson Mandela. He was tortured, slandered, imprisoned, and victimized by apartheid almost all of his life. Yet when leaving prison, he decided to forgive because he knew “if I didn’t, I would still be a prisoner.” He didn’t want to spend the rest of his life in a prison of his own making.
Anne Beiler, founder of the Auntie Annie’s pretzel empire and a victim of sexual abuse by her pastor, learned that she needed to “forgive because I can’t forget.”
In the “personal experience” mentioned earlier, the one I needed to forgive was myself. My wife once mentioned she had to “walk on egg shells” because she didn’t know when my anger at myself would be directed at her. A few weeks ago, a church staff member said he has to “walk on egg shells” around his current pastor. How sad. If you are a leader and your followers are “walking on egg shells,” you need help and a good starting place is forgiveness of others and maybe yourself.
Forgiveness is a gift to yourself; it is about you putting down those life-sapping, heavy bags and getting out of a self-made prison. I am not suggesting this is easy and you may well need help. (If you live near my hometown of Franklin, TN, contact The Refuge Center, they’ll be glad to help.) Decide today, for your sake and the sake of those you lead: “Whatever it takes, I am not going to drag unforgiveness around any longer. I’ll get help.” Pick up the phone right now—call for an appointment—you’ll be glad you did.
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© Copyright 2017 by Dick Wells, The Hard Lessons Company
I was in a meeting yesterday in which I heard that a senior leader had suggested that a mid-level leader should have responded with anger to another person’s anger. In other words: both of you being angry will somehow yield a better outcome than one of you being angry. That was lousy advice and it’s a lousy leadership practice.
At the 2010 Willow Creek Leadership Summit, one of the sub-themes was, “I will stop using anger as a leadership tool.” I do not claim I have never used anger as a leadership tool—I’m not that perfect. But I cannot recall a single time when my anger yielded a positive outcome. Why?
Anger supposedly demonstrates who is in control. What it really reveals is who is out of control.
Anger supposedly will promote change in behavior. What it really promotes is pervasive fear that paralyzes the organization.
Anger supposedly shows strength of position. What it really shows is weakness of character.
Anger supposedly reinforces “I’m right.” What it really reinforces is “I’m proud.”
It is interesting that in scripture, God puts anger in the same list of sins as immorality, idolatry, sorcery, and drunkenness:
Galatians 5:19-21 (NASB95) Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing.…
That’s enough said about how God feels about it.
Anger rarely if ever accomplishes anything good. It may accomplish what you intend, but only if your purpose is self-centered and intended to inflict humiliation and pain. Anger always has the effect of damaging relationships—at home, in the church, at your workplace. So take to heart the Summit sub-theme. Resolve today that you will stop using anger as a leadership tool. You’ll be a much better leader.
By the way, don’t kid yourself that “forgive me” will erase the effects of repeated outbursts. “Forgive me” only works if it doesn’t happen again.
Do you have an anger problem? I’ll offer one solution in my next post.
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© Copyright 2017 by Dick Wells, The Hard Lessons Company
According to the Gallup organization only about 30% of employees in a typical American workplace are actively engaged in their job. The rest—70%—are benchwarmers taking up space, doing only what they are told to do and waiting for payday and Friday (my words, not Gallup’s).
Interestingly, the percentages don’t change much because of age, education, gender or even income. People making more than $90,000 per year are no more engaged than people making less than $36,000 per year. Imagine that. Gallup has proved once again that pay is not a long-term motivator for most people.
Is there something leaders can do to raise the engagement level? Yes. Employees will engage with their jobs when leaders engage with their employees. It’s that simple.
So if you are the leader, it’s up to you. Try this: sit down with one of your unengaged employees, ask how you can help him, listen (really listen), ask questions, act like you owe her as much as she owes you. Do it with somebody else tomorrow…and the day after…and the day after…. Is it worth the effort? Yes! Imagine your competitive advantage and improved productivity if you can increase your engagement level to 40% or even 50%. Why don’t you get started today?
© Copyright 2017 by Dick Wells, The Hard Lessons Company
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The stars of the TV show—American Pickers—are Mike and Frank. Their vehicle is a white van labeled Antique Archaeology; their arena is the back roads of America; their passion is Americana artifacts and collectibles—things that are buried under piles of stuff, waiting to be discovered and put on display in one of their stores. They crawl around in attics, old barns, junkyards, and weed-and-snake-infested fields—looking for…well…the kinds of things you find in attics, old barns, junkyards, and weed-and-snake-infested fields. (Actually, they aren’t looking for snakes.) For example, a battery-powered, guitar-playing, mechanical monkey in a country-western outfit was a “big find” on one show. One of their heroes is Hobo Jack, located in Litchfield, Illinois. He has acres of junk waiting to be discovered, but is not an easy mark; he drives a hard bargain.
[BTW…Mike is also great a picking a place to live as he now lives in my hometown of Franklin, TN.]
Wondering what this has to do with leadership?
Most every organization, large or small, has one or more people waiting to be discovered. They, for reasons now forgotten, are buried on a hallway the leader rarely visits, hidden in the last of a row of 20 cubicles, sitting near the back of a large-church worship center, or working in a field office that is on the other side of town. They are a bit dirty and dusty; maybe dinged up some. But they could be worth a lot if discovered and encouraged or trained or challenged.
As a leader, you have a lot to do. You can’t spend all day rummaging around in the attics of your organization, but you can spend a few hours every now and then. Decide now you will become a “picker,” looking for hidden value in your company, or church, or even your family. You may be surprised who you find—someone just waiting for a chance to shine again (or shine for the first time). Imagine the satisfaction you’ll feel as you’re driving home that day!
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© Copyright 2017 by Dick Wells, The Hard Lessons Company
Having just returned from a week on the Maine coast, I thought reading this reminder from Chapter 6 of 16 Stones would be worth your time:
I have found, at least for me, fully restorative rest only comes with escape. My body, soul, and spirit all need occasional escape from the everyday world. For years my escape has been either the North Georgia mountains or the coast of Downeast Maine—a week of nothing but coffee, a good book or two, eating catfish or lobster, and listening to the creek or watching the waves. There is no doubt in my mind that without escape, the stress of running a $400+M company or later serving a large church would have produced what Bill Hybels calls “many broken pieces rattling around inside me.”
One mistake we often make is equating different with escape. Let me clarify: taking your office to a different place is not escape. An open briefcase and ringing cellphone at the beach is different, but it is not escape. Senior pastor, you can round up a couple of pastor buddies, play eighteen holes and then have dinner, all the while talking about your church problems. That is different, but it’s not escape. Business leader, you can take your team to the Willow Creek Leadership Summit (which I highly recommend) to be inspired and challenged. That is different and worthwhile, but it is not escape. Escape is leaving it all behind, emptying your mind of your ordinary work as Exodus 20:9 calls it, and letting God repair and refresh you from head to foot. In my own experience, I have found that I can get physical rest in a couple of days; however, mental and emotional rest usually takes a week or more.
You need to escape, but who you escape with is also important. My wife, Dottie, is wired much like I am. She doesn’t need to be entertained; she doesn’t have to be sightseeing all the time; she doesn’t need to be talking all the time; a day of nothing but sitting on the porch with a good book or working a puzzle is fine with her. She is a great escape partner. My point is, choose your escape partner carefully. Remember, the purpose of escape is to detox from the stresses of your ordinary life, not just drag them to a different place.
Okay…it’s your turn…hit the road!
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© Copyright 2017 by Dick Wells, The Hard Lessons Company
“…leadership implies duty, and honorable leadership occurs only when we live up to that duty.”
From Honorable Leadership by Bill Barnett. Read it all at http://www.barnetttalks.com/2017/07/honorable-leadership.html
This is a great reminder and worth your time.
(This article found on Three Star Leadership by Wally Post)
Ernesto Sirolli—dubbed The Entrepreneurship Coach by strategy+business—tells this story about one of his early failures:
[We] decided to teach Zambians how to grow food in the beautiful fertile valley where they had always lived as pastoralists, shepherding animals but planting nothing. The team imported seeds from Italy—tomatoes and zucchini—but the locals didn’t seem interested. The team tried to pay them money, but there was little in the valley available to buy. Finally, the NGO started importing whiskey and beer in order to coax the men into the fields. “We kept thinking, what is wrong with these people?”
It soon became apparent. The tomatoes appeared on the vines, huge bursting fruits that put the most bountiful Italian crops to shame. The team members were joyful, but the next morning they awoke to find every single one of the plants gone. Hippos had swarmed up from the river and begun gorging. The Italians ran to tell the Zambians what had happened. “Of course,” said the people. “That’s why we don’t plant in the valley.”
“Why didn’t you tell us?” asked the Italians.
“Because you never asked,” came the response.1
I have made the same mistake many times. One of my notable failures was when I decided I could run a shipyard without knowing anything about building ships. FAIL.
The primary advice Sirolli gives business leaders is “Shut up and listen.”
That reminds me of one of my favorite, but too often ignored proverbs: “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent….” (Proverbs 17:28 NIV)
Effective communication has a pattern:
Listen first;
Then ask questions;
Talk little.
I need to learn to take my own advice.
Dick, repeat after me:
Listen first;
Then ask questions;
Talk little.
Dick, repeat after me:
Listen first;
Then ask….
Dick, repeat after me:
Listen….
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© Copyright 2017 by Dick Wells, The Hard Lessons Company
1 strategy+business, The Entrepreneurship Coach by Sally Helgesen, 1 August 2014
If anyone understands how to do a Big Reveal, it’s Apple. Steve Jobs started it and current CEO Tim Cook has kept it going. I’m not sure who is involved in planning the Apple rollouts, but they know what they are doing. Each one creates a lot of advance anticipation; most don’t disappoint.
Big Reveals have not always been so successful. Before the days of brand experts, event professionals, and everything-sends-a-message consultants, rollouts were planned by a secretary in the marketing department, or the CEO’s golf buddy. That is what Ford must have done when they rolled out the Edsel in August 1957.
After months of buildup and anticipation, Ford invited 250 auto industry reporters (and their wives) to the Edsel Big Reveal in Detroit. So what happened?
Now I am not saying that the Edsel was a failure because of these faux pas, but the reporters and wives must have been laughing all the way home. If Facebook and Twitter had existed then, the whole nation would have been laughing by midnight. (Okay, you can stop laughing now.)
What is the leadership lesson in this? The everything-sends-a-message principle is correct. Details matter and it is easy. It is true that the difference between good and great is attention to details. Get help and have more than one set of eyes looking at every detail. Make sure that one of the “one set of eyes” is someone who was not involved in the planning and has a critical eye—someone who loves to point out goof-ups.
If the best hotel in town was the Cadillac, what was the message?
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© Copyright 2017 by Dick Wells, The Hard Lessons Company
You are starting your first job this week—bagging groceries at your Kroger. That is how I got started 60 years ago—bagging groceries at the Big Apple in Rome, Georgia.
Here is “some stuff you need to know”:
Aaron, just be at Kroger who you are at home, school, and church—kind, responsible, a volunteer, and team player—and you’ll do great. Who knows; you may be the CEO of Kroger someday. I love you and am proud of you!
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© Copyright 2017 by Dick Wells, The Hard Lessons Company
Google “conflict resolution” and more than 50,000,000 possibilities come up. There are mountains of books, blogs, seminars, and so on, about sources of conflict and how to resolve them. The thinking is that every leader needs a level of competency in conflict resolution because if more than one person is involved—conflict is inevitable. True? The answer is “yes, but….”
“Yes” is true when the conflict arises because of personalities, competition, or values. Leaders have to step in early and sometimes hard to resolve conflict before it escalates and causes damage to the organization.
The “but….” is true when conflict arises because of a disagreement about facts, perceptions, solutions, and so on. The leader’s job at that point is to resolve disagreement before it escalates to discord, which can lead to division, which can result in damage to the organization.
It is a lot easier to do disagreement control than damage control.
Here are a few questions that will help:
Understanding the “what and why” of a disagreement will often keep it from escalating to discord in which careless, personal words often make resolution much harder.
I’m no Albert Einstein, but he once put it this way:
“If I had an hour to solve a problem and my life depended on the solution, I would spend the first 55 minutes determining the proper question to ask, for once I knew the proper question, I could solve the problem in less than five minutes.”
Disagreement is easier to resolve then discord.
Discord is easier to resolve than division.
Division is easier to resolve than damage.
Okay leader, the sooner you take it on, the easier it will be!
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© Copyright 2017 by Dick Wells, The Hard Lessons Company
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